Asshole Lyrics

(Denis Leary/Chris Phillips)

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream. About me, about
you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our
chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts,
maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver,
maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. We don't know.

I'm just an average Joe with a regular job
I'm your average White suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on the table and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested
(Oh no) No way (Uh-uh)
No, I've got to go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
Naaaah!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado
convertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcabs and all leather cow interior
and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. Yeah! And I'm gonna drive
around in that baby at 115 MPH getting on mile per gallon, sucking down
quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned
non-biodegradable styrofoam containers, and when I'm done suckin' down
those greaseball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and
there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it. You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why.

Two words: Nuclear fucking weapons, okay? Russia, Germany, Romania-they
can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy
cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won't make a
lick of difference because we got the bombs, okay? John Wayne's not
dead-he's frozen. And as soon as we find the cure for cancer we're gonna
thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have
you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15,000,000 times,
that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John
Cassavetes
(Hey)
And Lee Marvin
(Hey)
And Sam Peckinpah
(Hey)
And a case of whisky and drive down to Texas...
(Hey, you know, you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E

Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Fung achng tum a fung tuma fling chum
Oooh oooh

I'm an asshole and proud of it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------