Railroad Bill Lyrics

                             Railroad Bill 
                            by Andy Brickman 
   
   
 Now Railroad Bill was a hard living man 
 He used to take his women two at a time 
 And everyone agreed he was the badest engineer 
 That ever driven down the Santa Fe line 
 His name was known from the folks back home 
 To the tippy top of telegraph hill 
 And all the little boys when they were sneaking cigarettes 
 They used to dream about the Railroad Bill 
   
 Well one day Bill was walking along 
 And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree 
 When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder 
 To set that kitty cat free 
 Bill said no, ain't gonna do it 
 Ain't gonna climb up no tree 
 This is a stupid stupid song and no folk singer 
 Gonna make a fool outa me 
   
 I said one day Bill was walking along 
 And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree 
 When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder 
 To set that kitty cat free 
 Bill said no, ain't gonna do it 
 Ain't gonna do what you said 
 This is a stupid stupid song and as far as I'm concerned 
 That cat can stay there till it's dead 
   
 I said wait a minute Bill, you can't argue with me 
 For God's sake I just made you up 
 I got the pen in my hand, I want you up in that tree 
 I want that cat unstuck 
 Bill said no, I hate cats 
 	 ain't gonna climb for no cat 
 He said why don'tyou have me save a beautiful girl 
 Who's been tied down to the railroad tracks? 
   
 I said mayb% there'll be room in the 8th or 9th verse 
 But right now I want you up in that tree 
 I'm the writer, God Damn, I got the pen in my hand 
 And you'e suposed to listen to me 
 He said you asshole!!
 Why should I listen to you, you should be listening to me instead 
 He said I'm a railroad man and if I was real 
 I'd seperate your face from your head 
   
 You ungreatful brute, I cried, you pushed me too far 
 I gotta show you I can do as I please 
 So an earthquake came and it shook the whole terrain 
 And it brought Railroad Bill to his knees 
 And then a tidal wave broke and everything got soaked 
 Bill was almost compleatly washed away 
 And then a big green monster from the planet Neptune landed 
 An bit Railroad Bill on the leg 
   
 I got the pen in my hand! 
 I can do what I want 
 I'm a bright new young talent on the rise 
 So get your ass up that tree or I swear you ain't gonna 
 Get out of my folk song alive 
   
 He said you don't scare me 
 You might be funny, but you don't scare me 
 And if you don't leave me alone I'm gonna tell everybody 
 Where you stole this melody 
 But before he could speak, his tongue fell out 
 And he could not make a sound 
 Suddenly he jumped on top of me and grabbed me by the neck 
 And pulled me to the ground 
 And he hit me in the stomach 
 And he hit me in the face real hard 
 I think he almost broke my nose 
 Just then a lightning bolt came outa nowhere 
 Hit him right between the eyes and killed him instantly 
   
 The cat came down from the tree, had a bowl of warm milk 
 Went to sleep for the night 
 Railraod Bill is survived by a wife and three kids 
 Dear God, I love to write...