ASSHOLE

by Dennis Leary
Album: No Cure For Cancer
(comedy album)                   
   
      
   
   E|-----2-2-2-2-----0-0-0-0-----0-0-0-0-----0-0-0-0-|
   B|-----3-3-3-3-----3-3-3-3-----3-3-3-3-----3-3-3-3-|
   G|-2---2-2-2-2-----2-2-2-2-----0-0-0-0-----0-0-0-0-|
   D|-0---0-0-0-0-0---0-0-0-0-0---0-0-0-0-0---0-0-0-0-|
   A|-------------3-----------2-----------1-----------|
   E|-------------------------------------------------|
      1 & 2 & 3 & 1 & 2 & 3 & 1 & 2 & 3 & 1 & 2 & 3 &
      
   [Spoken]

   Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream.  About me.
   About you.  About the way our American hearts beat way down in the
   bottom of our chests.  About that special feeling we get in the
   cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle
   area.  Maybe in the liver.  Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the
   colon--we don't know.
   
    
   I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
   I'm your average white suburbanite slob
   I like football and porno and books about war
   I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
   
   My wife and my job, my kids and my car
   My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar
    
   But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
   (Oh no) No Way (Uh-uh)
   No, I've gotta go out and have fun
   At someone else's expense
   (Oh yeah) Yeah yeah
   yeah yeah yeah 
    
   I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
   While people behind me are going insane
    
   I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
   I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)
    
   I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
   I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"
    
   I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
   I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
    
   Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
   While handicapped people make handicapped faces
    
   I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
   I'm an asshole (He's a real ***ing asshole)
   
   -------
   BRIDGE: [Now the chords change]
   -------

   Em                   A
   Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
   Em                     A
   Ranting and raving and carrying on
   Em                            A
   Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
   A  G  F# E
                  Naaaah!

   
   [BACK TO CHORD PROGRESSION]
   
   I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
   I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
    
   [Spoken]

   You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac
   Eldorado convertible--hot pink with whaleskin hubcaps and all leather
   cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And
   I'm gonna drive around in that baby at a 115 miles per hour, getting
   one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter-pounder cheeseburgers from
   McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam
   containers, and when I'm done sucking down those greaseball burgers,
   I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the american flag and then I'm gonna toss
   the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a god***ed
   thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs,
   that's why. Two words--Nuclear ***ing weapons, okay? Russia, Germany,
   Romania--they can have all the democracy they want. They can have a
   big democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square
   and it won't make a lick of difference because we've got the bombs,
   okay? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen. And as soon as we find the
   cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty
   pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well,
   multiply that by fifteen million times, that's how pissed off the
   Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes and Lee
   Marvin...
   
   (Hey)
   and Sam Peckinpah...
   (Hey)
   And a case of whiskey, and drive down to Texas...
   (You know you really are an asshole)
   Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
   
   I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
   I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
    
   A-S-S-H-O-L-E
   Everybody!
   A-S-S-H-O-L-E
    
   [Barking]

   Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
   Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum [something like that :)]
    
   Oooh Oooh
    
   [Spoken]

   I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it.
   
   
   TAB FOR FINAL D CHORD:
   
   E|-2--3--2--0--2--|
   B|-3-----------3--|
   G|-2-----------2--|
   D|-0-----------0--|
   A|----------------|
   E|----------------|